Gross Encounters ~ Confessions of a Germaphobe

by Carmen Cruz

Confessions of a germaphobe.

There's nothing worse than stepping into the shower of your hotel room and coming face to face with... a little black curly hair, stuck to the shower wall. I can guarantee that it's not mine. It's like, how does this little black curly hair stick so well? It's like it's hanging on to the shower wall with tiny claws. I throw water at it. It doesn't move. I throw more water. Nothing. MORE water. Nada. How does it even get stuck so high on the wall? Did Chewbacca come in and whip off his pants and boom! An explosion of pendejos (= pubic hair, in Spanish) explode out into the atmosphere and with some strange, intergalactic mucous, stick to the wall? Gross.   What makes this entire situation extra disgusting is the fact that you KNOW where that hair came from, and you KNOW that it's not yours. All you can hope is that a tall, cherub like, innocent child with a mass of curly black hair was in the hotel room before it was yours. One can only hope.

The following gross encounter took place some time between 10:30pm and 11:30pm

Me: What are YOU doing here?

Pendejo: What are YOU doing here?

Me: I BELONG here.  

Pendejo: So do I.

Me: I've paid for this hotel room. You're not supposed to be here.
                                                                     Pendejo: I can go wherever I want to.

Me: You disgust me. Get out.

Pendejo: MAKE ME!

**Awkward and intense moment of silence and extreme stink eye takes place**

Me: I can't even bring myself to touch you. *gag*

Pendejo: Hahahahahaha!!!

Me: You're lucky this shower doesn't have a detachable shower head, or you'd be history.

Pendejo: HAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Me: You win this time Pendejo. THIS TIME.

**I awkwardly attempt to shower at the opposite end of the tub, giving the Pendejo the worst cut eye I can**

Needless to say, the hotel cleaning lady got an earful the next day.
And for some reason, every time I think of this situation, that song that Phoebe sang on friends always comes to mind. You know, the one that goes 'I found you laying next to me. How did you get there? To me you're such a mystery, little black curly hair'.

Either way, this gal wore her flip flops in the hotel room, AND in the shower.

Another useless random fact: The remote control in your hotel room is the dirtiest thing in that room (aside from the door handle). Can you imagine running those special blue lights, you know the one that can show any and all human excretions, along a hotel remote? It would most likely glow like a ravers wristband. Ew. I actually put a clear plastic bag over my remote.

And now you know... and knowing is half the battle.